A page from my diary

[ He visited me again]

JAHNABI GOGOI

He came to visit me once again without even knowing he did , in my dreams . Sometimes , I do wonder , have I ever visited him in his dreams .

Has been years now but my conscious , sub-conscious and unconscious mind fail to register that he was "the road not taken ." My one and only school time crush , it started way back in those days when hormones played no role .

KG II when we were made to sit together by our class teacher . I used to tell him , "You know , why we are made to sit together , we ought to marry each other someday !"

Like any typical 4 yr old he did what he was supposed to , he told his mummy . I was furious then how feeble , couldn't even hold a secret . Of course , she dismissed it as a joke .

With each and every year my fondness for him grew. Probably he never had any clue and will never have any clue . Since it has been years I haven't seen him . I sat on my own little secret , because I didn't want anyone to dismiss it again as a joke . I might have been 4 then but I loved him with utmost sincerity.For a 4 year old it was a pretty serious life crisis .

Each and every accolade he won , made me proud . If anyone was mean to him , I felt like crushing that anyone's sulk (#WWE fan) . I was hopelessly "in love" with him and he never knew . I should probably be awarded with some sort SECRET KEEPER'S prize if it does exist .

I remember in class VI we were seated together during Hindi class , I literally had butterflies in my tummy . It was really hard to keep my feelings submerged in me . Even now when I think about it I get goose-bumps  . KG II played itself all over again and yes we did talk. He even teased me quoting my exact words-
"You know , why we are made to sit together , we ought to marry each other someday !"

Without any question I was embarrassed at the abrupt mention of the epic past episode but there was no boundaries to my happiness when I realized that he remembered what I said him years back .

Then school life flew in a jiffy . We were escorted out of the school gate with a pompous farewell held in our honor .  I assumed that was our last meet until...

There are many more incidents with him bombarding me now when  I patiently try to type a decent write-up in his honor without slipping out his identity . There is fair chance of my note never reaching him . But he would always be alive in me , my writings , my dreams (no control over them) .

There are times when I wonder what would have been his answer if I had confessed my feelings for him .

I did think that I had out-grown him after all these years but I was wrong , last year while I was travelling back to Guwahati via train , we met . I stood startled and made the situation awkward when I couldn't greet him back . I fell short of words .

Awe-struck by how he looked now ; awe-struck he remembered me (I knew he would though ) ; awe-struck we met . Last year ,2016.